Quite often, when people encounter tools for managing conflict, they are quick to point out the inauthentic feeling of using them. “Nobody actually talks like that in real life!” is a common response. And that’s true! But it’s also kind of the point.

Getting in to conflict is easy. Just by existing in the world and interacting with others, we get into conflict. Even if we don’t actively intend to get into conflict (and yes, even if we actively try to avoid it), we still find ourselves in conflict all the time.

But how do we do the hard part? How do we get out of conflict?

Often, in the midst or wake of conflict, we’re seeking one thing: satisfaction. And what feels satisfying can look a lot of different ways to different people… Mediation suggests that the most likely way to find satisfaction in the fact of conflict is to maintain a degree of autonomy over how that conflict moves forward.

Creating a life that flows according to our values will never be a passive process—we have to be clear about what we say “yes” to, and when to say “no.”  Passively allowing harm because we don’t want to build up our boundary-keeping muscles is a proven way to allow damaging patterns to take hold.

Healthy conflict doesn't create winners and losers. It creates mutual understanding and growth. That's the goal.

Many people really do not have a good handle on the concept of boundaries in relationships, and as a result this concept is sometimes weaponized and turned into a mechanism for control.

It feels like such a weird thing to admit: that even in our closest relationships, love often comes with fear mixed into it. But of course it does—when we value something, we worry about damaging it or losing it.